This month I had the great pleasure of interviewing Barbara Abercrombie, a writer and longtime beloved teacher of memoir at UCLA Extension Writers' Program. After knowing Barbara's name for years, I finally had the chance to meet her last February at the San Miguel Writers' Conference in Mexico where we were both teaching. Now looking back, it feels like an alternate magical reality we experienced, remarkably fleeting, just days before our world shifted into lockdown.
Barbara's new book, The Language of Loss, drops next week. It is a compilation of poetry and prose writings that Barbara collected about grief and loss—the book she says she was yearning for after her husband died five years ago. In our conversation below, she shares about what goes into publishing an anthology, along with her terrific insights about the craft of memoir.
Barbara Abercrombie has published novels, children’s picture books, including the award winning Charlie Anderson, and books of non-fiction. Her personal essays have appeared in national publications as well as in many anthologies. Her most recent books on writing, A Year of Writing Dangerously and Kicking in The Wall, were chosen by Poets & Writers Magazine as two of the best books for writers.
New World Library will publish her 16th book, The Language of Loss, an anthology of poetry and prose for grieving and celebrating the love of one’s life, in November 2020.
Barbara received the Outstanding Instructor award and the Distinguished Instructor Award at UCLA Extension where she teaches creative writing. She lives in Los Angeles and Lake Arrowhead with her rescue dogs, Nina and Nelson.
KARIN GUTMAN: You mention that you wrote the book you wished you had when your husband died. Can you share more about your experience and how this book came about?
BARBARA ABERCROMBIE: My way through bad times is always to read, and when my husband died five and a half years ago what I wanted and needed to read was a book of poetry and prose about grieving for a spouse/ lover/ partner. I couldn’t find an anthology with that focus so I decided to create my own—The Language of Loss. I spent months reading a lot of memoir and also poetry—and then I did the hard part—getting permissions. Most of the material has been published before. There are amazing poets in it: Mary Oliver, E.E. Cummings, Joy Harjo, Naomi Shihab Nye, and Charles Bukowski. And writers: C.S. Lewis, Patti Smith, Abigail Thomas, and Joyce Maynard. I’m in love with the writers and poets in it.
KARIN: How challenging, or not, was it to garner the interest of a publisher? Did you have a strong hand in editing it?
BARBARA: My agent liked my book proposal and sold it to New World Library (a wonderful publishing company who had brought my books on writing into the world.) I edited the book—choosing all the material—and then created an arc through abject grief to getting through it and finally to celebrating the love one lost. My editor at NWL offered suggestions and my copy editor (whom I owe my soul to) caught all my typos and mistakes.
KARIN: What are the legalities for putting a compilation together like this one? Do you have any advice for people who might like to do something similar?
BARBARA: I had to get permission for everything I used, and to pay for much of it. I don’t do well with paper work and it was a long slog—copyrights had to be traced, sometimes I also needed UK rights, and sometimes it took numerous emails to get publishers to reply. I had a real passion though to get this book published. It’s the only one of its kind, so all of the slog was more than worth it.
KARIN: As a longtime teacher of memoir, how do you approach (or suggest) writers begin the process of writing their personal story?
BARBARA: I suggest writing out the story from start to finish. I call this the WTF draft. I also think it’s important to take a good memoir class where you’ll get inspired when you get stuck and learn the basics of craft. A class where you feel safe to write anything and the teacher is in control of comments—meaning that no one gets snarky and everyone feels supported. We’re all so vulnerable writing memoir! I tell my students that all feedback to each other must be honest and detailed but also generous and always aware of the potential of what’s being read. And that the experience and behavior is not to be critiqued, just the writing.
KARIN: What do you believe are the most important aspects when it comes to the craft of memoir? What do you find to be the most challenging things to master?
BARBARA: The tone/the voice.
(This never gets easy no matter how many books you write.)
The story you’re writing, not just the feelings.
The structure.
The take away, the universal thread to your experience.
Writing memoir is challenging, period.
KARIN: Writers in my workshops tend to generate a lot of material and can sometimes get frustrated that it’s not all adding up to something. In other words, the bigger telling still remains elusive. What would you say to that?
BARBARA: I ask my students, “What is the knot you’re trying to unravel in this story?” And anything that doesn’t connect to that knot should be cut. If a scene doesn’t serve the story and connect to the larger story, or add to understanding the characters—cut.
KARIN: Do you have any tips on how to approach structure?
BARBARA: I have absolutely no tips on structure! There are no rules or guidelines—each writer has to find structure for him/herself. And you find it by writing. Okay, one tip: Read. Study how other writers do it. That’s how you learn to write anything.
KARIN: I also find that writers can get hung up on TENSE—whether they should write in present or past tense, or whether they can move back and forth. What would you say?
BARBARA: I personally like to write memoir in present tense—yes, it feels more alive. And then do all memories/flashbacks in past tense. I’ve found that perspective can work in present tense. Realizations, epiphanies can happen in real time.
KARIN: What do you think is the biggest hurdle to publishing a memoir and what is your advice on that front?
BARBARA: The biggest hurdle may be to have a subject that will connect with other people and how to tell the story so it will connect. How your story—though not necessarily identical—can give the reader their own story. I think this is hard in the beginning because our WTF draft is basically telling us our own story and, let’s face it, is therapy writing. So after the first draft it’s a matter of rewriting, coming up with a book proposal that will grab an agent or editor’s interest, and following that up with a polished manuscript.
KARIN: The issue of privacy and personal ethics naturally often comes up. What do you say to someone who is afraid to share their story for fear of alienating family members, or worse, being sued?
BARBARA: Ah, we all worry about this. I don’t think we should write out of revenge, but if someone in your life has behaved badly and this is part of the story you’re telling, you own this experience. It’s your right to write what they said and did, letting them get nailed by their own actions and words. (No matter what, bear in mind that good writing is about generosity.) You have to believe that the story is worth whatever happens if published. Most people won’t be pleased with what you write about them, good or bad. Writers need to make their own boundaries when they write. My only boundary is not to write anything deeply personal about my children. Everyone else is fair game.
KARIN: Do you think a pseudonym is a good option?
BARBARA: Not unless there’s a really good reason and your publisher is okay with it. It’s important to remember as you write that no one will read this until you allow them to.
KARIN: Do you think fictionalizing is a good option?
BARBARA: No. I find the minute anyone starts to fictionalize a memoir, they get stuck and tangled up in what really happened. Fiction is a whole other talent. Writing fiction is to put on masks and veils and to feel free, living a whole other life in someone else’s skin. Of course in fiction you write about some of your own memories but you give them to someone else. On the other hand, one of my favorite novels is The Friend by Sigrid Nunez, whose protagonist has many characteristics of the author. But you need to be as talented as she is to pull it off.
KARIN: What would you say to someone who feels like they have a story in them to tell—to potentially publish—but don’t necessarily have a background as a writer?
BARBARA: I’d say give it a try. Take a class. Start writing down bits and pieces of it. Think of your story as a quilt—scenes/memories as square patches in your quilt. Or find a ghost writer. But first my advice would be to simply write down the story.
Buy the book!
To learn more about Barbara Abercrombie, visit her site.
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Barbara Abercrombie & Jacqueline Winspear
In conversation with Monica Holloway
Vroman's Bookstore
Thursday, November 5th
6 p.m. PST
via Zoom.
Register here
